| HMS Crown proudly announces the induction
of Soft Drink King Lewis Jernigan into the Beautiful People Gallery . .
.
Lewis Jernigan
by Lewis Jernigan himself
Born in the woods near Wichita Falls, Texas in
November 1939 just prior to the big war in which I played a pivotal part.
I fought for neither side but did raise funds for both. I graduated
from Wichita Falls high school in 1957 and garnered many honors but not
including the Jefferson Davis award which was stolen from me by Terry Turner
in an act of infamy. I attended Midwestern University and Texas Tech University
and a couple of others whose names I cannot recall because of being held
down and forced to consume copious amounts of alcohol. Being a rather
brave soul I kept returning to the scene of the alcohol crime where they
did it to me again and again. I finally left and became a vagabond.
I have been a member of the Republican National
Committee since the failed campaign of Robert Dole who loved me deeply.
I only loved him because he was not Bill Clinton.
I provided technical advice for the late William
Strunk for his immortal "ELEMENTS OF STYLE". I did this at his grave
site since he had passed away many years before I knew him. He seemed
to be appreciative but never actually acknowledged my assistance.
In my thirties I began to coach baseball and had
a modicum of success until they started enforcing the rules against drinking
in the dugout and prohibited shooting at the idiot umpires. In actuality
I won the 1968 world championship for the Colt league (15-16 years olds)
In 1973 I came in second in the world for Pony league (13-14 year olds).
I went into the fast food business in my 40's.....40
exactly to be exact...and advanced to the level of Director of Operations
of a large Burger King operation in Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana.
This coincided with the rise of McDonalds to the top of the world but had
nothing to do with me.....I swear.
I went into a rage in the 60,s when I realized
that our country was rapidly descending into chaos of our own foolishness.
We have been the strongest nation ever created and afford every LEGAL
citizen to rise or fall on his or her own merits only but began to be attacked
from within by liberal idiots who wish to bestow our good fortune on everyone
with no regard for their qualifications or merit or desires. I have remained
in the rage mode ever since and do not expect any relief soon.....unless
the mongrel hordes of illegal's rise up as an undisciplined mob as they
were accustomed to in their former country and slay their patrons the dreaded
liberal Mongols. I pray for that day and will consider that act sufficient
to grant them citizenship in our beloved country.
I am now engaged in the soft drink business in
Texas and manage to keep my head afloat despite the best efforts of the
thieves and pillagers to deny me my rightful profits. I include the
agents of the IRS in that group.
I have been named the Head Chaplain in Charge
of all the environs of Wichita Falls and the nearby Wichita Mountain area.
In the Wichita Mountains I have maintained a large herd of attack Buffalo
which assist me in maintaining security in the wildlife preserve.
We have fought off several attempts to desecrate the area usually by liberal
idiots who think we have hidden our money there. I do recall my best
Buffalo having to fight off a drunken enraged conservative who was wearing
new jeans and was trying to steal the herd. Luckily enough we prevailed
and he retreated to Colorado where he resides to this day. He was
a somewhat scary fellow who insisted on wearing a skin wig.
I passed away in 2001 shortly after the attack
on WTC and am buried in Arlington National Cemetery where I hold revivals. |
